What if… I’d never change my life

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Childhood Revisited.”

What if… I changed my whole life, and missed the one now?

If I had a time travel machine, or were able to change the past by the use of some magical ‘thing’, I probably wouldn’t do that anyway fearing my future, or rather my present would change drastically.

If I didn’t feel bad about myself that other children in my family were getting a lot more presents for Christmas than I did it would only mean my parents didn’t have so many financial problems. If they were earning enough to buy me presents and anything else they needed or wanted would that mean my mum wasn’t working three jobs? She only did this to meet the ends before the next loan payments were due. I could have spent a lot more time with her then, but…

What if changing this would never bring me to the place I am now?

We probably would have never left the country. I wouldn’t go to college in England, which means I wouldn’t be able to study subjects that I really enjoyed. I wouldn’t accomplish my dream of living and studying in London. I would never work in the monster pub, and if I never worked there I would never meet the love of my life. Would I be happier now if my childhood was any better? Or would I be a spoiled brat if my parents were wealthy?

Maybe if I had any siblings and watched my mum’s belly growing bigger and bigger I would enjoy my childhood a bit more, or got more confident after many fights with the hated but so much loved brother or a sister. Maybe if I had a sibling back then my parents wouldn’t get divorced when I was nineteen. Or would I have to watch my parents grow old and unhappy in a relationship they could never end because of many children? Would my mum be unhappy then; would my dad do some stupid things?

What if changing a single little thing from my childhood like not buying that winning ice cream would decide on my dad’s little daughter’s birth? Having a year old sister now does affect me and it doesn’t at the same time. But who am I to decide if she deserved to come to this world or not? Would I be able to live with the knowledge, that if I changed something from the past right now, my family and close friends would be unhappy? Guessing that I would make the right choice of changing something for the better wouldn’t I miss the life I have now? Well… don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot I wish I had or accomplished, but I find this little life somewhat almost perfect.

I wouldn’t change a thing, probably because of fear of losing something or gaining too much that my brain would explode with selfish egoistic monster hiding somewhere within me. When I have my own children one day I’ll do my best to give them everything they need and raise them to be good people. And I would never wish for my children wanted a different life… I would do everything in my power to give them the best childhood ever, and I know my mum did as well.

Finding Home

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma.”

MY JOURNEY AWAY FROM POLAND  

Since I was a little girl I always dreamt of the big world out there; the vast possibilities and unstoppable source of opportunities for people like me – for people who not only dream, but do everything in their power to make those dreams come true. I’m not finished dreaming, and I’m putting my plan into work. I just need a little bit more luck coming my way, but anyway I found myself to be one of the luckiest girls in the world. I don’t care about those moments when you just want to give up and throw everything away. The big moments; moments when I know what I’m made of and what I am capable of, these moments are worth living for.

I had just turned fourteen in the summer when I learned that my parents decided it would be best for us if we leave the country. I’ve always wanted to travel to different countries; dreamt of going for a holiday somewhere foreign, but we could never afford it. Finally, it was time for me to see a bit of the world, but somehow I knew it was going to be different than I had imagined. I was unconditionally crazy about us moving to a different country, but the question was where would we end up? It didn’t really matter as long as I knew that my mum didn’t have to work three jobs, and dad working inhuman hours from the early morning before I got up, until late at night when I was already in bed. He only didn’t work on Sundays, because Sundays were always about family. Of course until mum got another contract.

According to the plan, dad’s and mine, we took over the responsibility for Sunday dinners so mum would come back home happy we were taking care of everything. We had fun then. Dad always put a movie on, so it became a tradition for Sunday. While watching the movie with one eye, we were cleaning the house, slicing the chicken, peeling potatoes, spicing up, creating delicious salads, and preparing the little cupboard called a house for mum’s arrival.

After some time it was just me left on the frontier with crazy wars of uncooked carrots and bloody chickens; dad was working together with mum. He was her driver so the work would be done faster and they could come back home early. Not for long though, soon the list of responsibilities was so long it took them ages to come back home. I remember, when I used to call them sometimes, waiting with cold dinner, bored of watching repetitious movies, to hear that they have a lot of work left, even though it was already dark outside. They said ‘Goodnight’ and sent me to bed to sleep. I rarely listened, because I wanted to see mum before going to bed.

Yes… Moving abroad was definitely for our better future.

I was manic, jumping around cheering my mum with her interviews with foreign companies. First, there was numbers of ‘Nurse’ magazines and the articles about nursing in Norway, and then somehow a proposition to work in Australia, but it was way too far from home. When I learned that mum calculated we would be able to visit Poland as often as every five years my mind went into a shock. I looked at her and quietly asked if she was really thinking of leaving for Australia, I calmed down when she agreed with me it was five years too far.

I truly wanted to leave the country, but at the same time I didn’t want to give up everything we had here, and the thought of visiting only every five years gave me shivers. How could I agree with that, how could I be alright with seeing my friends only every five years? No, no way I would ever do that… After the crazy idea of Australia there was Ireland, and at the end England. At some point my parents wanted to live in Spain, but that was long before I was born, and it’s not what I’m talking about anyway… Mum had some friends over in Ireland so she thought we didn’t have to be lonely from the very start, but for some reason I dreaded the idea of living there. However, I didn’t have to give it a lot of thinking, because after the first unsuccessful interview mum moved on to an idea of living in England.

On 18th of December 2007 I had a chance to experience an exciting trip to an airport with mum and dad. It was snowing in the morning, but the icy roads couldn’t prevent us from ‘delivering’ mum on time. The whole trip was emotional and stressful. I don’t think I understood what all of this meant. It was exciting mum was going to another country, but when would I see her next? When finally it was time for last hugs and kisses mum got emotional and I saw few tears falling down her cheek. As I turned around to look at dad, and realized he was about to cry as well, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down into tears. It was so sad. At that moment, for the first time in my life I was actually scared for my mum. My dearest Mommy…

Who’s going to hug me now? And check my homework? And argue with me? Who am I going to tell about my day? I knew it was for the best, but it was scary. I probably wouldn’t have so much courage to go to a completely unfamiliar country on my own. We didn’t even know what the people were like. Would they be friendly and help her out? Is she even going to understand them? I mean… she only learned English for two or three years, I learned all my life and I was still struggling. Why do people have to abandon their homes in search of a normal living? I was so emotional and frustrated at the time I almost wanted to shout out to ‘our country’ what it makes me feel like. I never felt overly patriotic, but seeing my mum goodbye made me absolutely angry. I wished to scream at our government for the things they do to the people. People leave every day because there’s no chance for a decent life in Poland without massive debts in lots of banks. I was angry at my school, my house, my town… everything, because for fifteen years of my life I found nothing there, nothing that would help you accomplish your goals and live.

Poland wasn’t for me. But it was my home. I always thought I would go back, because I would never find a home in England or anywhere else. I was wrong…

In March my dad joined mum in England and I stayed behind so I could finish school. Mum and dad managed to arrange with my scary and a very demanding principal that I could finish school two months early so I wouldn’t have to wait too long to join them, but she demanded that I pass every single exam in advance. What choice did I have? On top of that mum requested that I stay till the end of the school year if my grades won’t be satisfying. I never liked to study, but this time I had something really special to look forward to. I didn’t even realize when I managed to learn everything for all my exams and still manage to have time to meet up with friends. I was pleasantly surprised when at the end of my stay in school I realized my grades were actually really good. In fact, better than ever before.

30th of April was my last day in school and it seemed the craziest day in my life. I had to say goodbye to all my teachers and friends not being able to say when I’m going to see them next. After that, 9th of May arrived so suddenly it felt like seconds. Mum and I were packing everything from the flat during the last week. On the last night we slept at my grandmother’s place as our flat was already rented out. I said goodbye to my best friends and as we split up in tears we promised each other to stay friends forever. The night before the flight was so exciting I couldn’t even sleep. As soon as it hit 4 o’clock I was waking everyone up announcing it’s time. It took us about half an hour before we were all ready and packed in the car and said our goodbyes. Mum, my uncle, and I climbed into the car and started our journey.

Seeing a sign with my town crossed out as we were leaving made me break down. I started crying like a little baby trying to figure out what’s going to happen now. Was I ready for a completely new life, new me… How is it going to be there? Will I like it? Questions were pounding around in my head.

That was it.

I left home.

Bye Poland… I hope one day you’ll have a place for me…

It didn’t…

But I found a new home…

Worried sick!

 Read At your own risk

I actually planned to write a light-hearted, motivational, happy post telling the world to go out there and show them all what you’re made of. Unfortunately, my hide-in-my-room, close-up the curtains and shelter-under-a-blanket mood doesn’t allow me to write anything worth a smile. I’m going to rant a bit then.

So… I’m sitting here with a pounding headache swearing  it should be raining today. I’d love some rain right now.

I’ve been fasting till twelve, then run all the way down the hill to see a nurse who was supposed to prick my arm with a needle and take away as much blood as she needed. On Wednesday, with a little bit of help from my mum (i.e. scaring me with possible consequences of backing out of this), I went to see my doctor. After a bit of a talk and examination I grasped it might be more serious than I assumed previously. The meeting ended up with the doctor booking me for three tests to a hospital and a request to do blood tests. We have to rule out the worst, unfortunately the worst isn’t just checking for diabetes.

After two weeks of finally being able to fall asleep without rolling in bed for hours and cursing everything in the world for keeping me awake, the past two nights got back to lying in bed wide awake rolling weird thoughts through my mind.

I remember my mum telling me that while she was in a medical school, when she was studying about different illnesses and conditions with her dad they both always felt like they’ve got precisely the illness studied at that moment. I bet every single person felt that way at least once. Well, I was stupid enough to do some research with the amazing uncle Google just to find out what I might be up against. Although there isn’t a lot matching up with my symptoms I’m already freaking out as if I was dying in the next 30 days.  From what I gathered some ‘possible conditions’ are mild and might not need any medical attention or just a round of antibiotics, others are exclaiming on the page with operations and complete lifestyle changes that I’m not ready to make.

So, I’m waiting. Unless it gets worse, I have to wait. Blood test results are back in a week. I’ll get a phone call if something seems wrong… Suddenly, my phone seems it’s staring at me as if it was about to ring any minute now. The hospital will send me a letter with my appointment date for the other tests the doctor prescribed. It might take a couple of weeks before it arrives, though two days of thinking about the possibilities what’s wrong with me seems like it’s going to drive me crazy before I actually get the tests done and get back to see the doctor.

I guess I worried myself sick because right now the page gets whiter and whiter, making my head pound with the worst headache I had for weeks. The truth is, I shouldn’t be writing this, but I don’t want to worry my boyfriend, who knows the minimum he should be aware of. The reason for that is… I once had a mild asthma attack that freaked him out to the point that I had to calm him down instead of the other way round. I don’t need anyone worrying sick like me right now…

In the worst case scenario my whole life will be different, I don’t know much how different it could get, because a young girl like me feels indestructible… Such illnesses are only heard about from someone in the family far away or from a friend of a friend… It doesn’t affect us in any direct way so we don’t really know much about it…

I’m rambling!

Ok… I got the most of my head so I guess I should stop moaning now. Little piece of advice – if you’re going to a doctor, testing for something or anything like that, steer clear of internet research for your symptoms. It will only make you feel worse!

Overdose

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Linger.”

Reality check

I’m sunbathing on a sunny beach excited by the warmth of the sand. I don’t worry, why should I? There’s no troubles, no worries of everyday life. I’m just enjoying the day so far. Then, Andrew offers to go for a swim; as I follow him into the clear blue sea, he turns back and kisses me on the cheek. It’s refreshing, warm and such a good feeling to be so carefree, we swim as far as we can reach. Suddenly, he stops, looks back at me, waits till I catch up and hugs me with tears.

Then everything happens so quickly, I don’t even realise when. It seems like a few seconds though it’s been hours at least. Andrew’s long gone, I feel like disappearing too. I can’t even help it, my words are counted, a few pages more and I’m a blank cover staring back at myself. Pulled back from a fantasy I look around the room, which looks familiar, I guess, I’ve lived here a while –

Get back to reality!

Mind staring blankly pulling the strings to go thousands of miles a second. I’m back in my life the beach was just a book.

Unexplained sadness grabs my wrists. Why have I lost my friends, the beach and a character of a young traveller girl? I crawl to the shelves, look at few titles and choose an American Dream, read the back cover ‘oh, it’s a dancer’s dream!’ I sit back on a white cover with butterflies theme. I get comfortable, this will be a long read. I open the book to find out, who I’m going to be. This time I’ll try to dose the pages of joy as if I was a drug addict. There’s no need for overdose. I don’t need to lose track of reality again.

Top ten list day

A book is a dream that you hold in your hand.

Neil Gaiman

My top 10 favourite books (for now).

  1. Paulo Coelho – Adulteryadultery

Adultery, a provocative novel by a best-selling author of The Alchemist and Eleven Minutes, explores the question of what it means to live life fully and happily, finding the balance between life’s routine and the desire for something new.

  1. Alex Garland – The Beach

Ithe beacht’s a must have summer read. The Beach is set in Thailand, it is the story of a young backpacker’s search for a legendary, idyllic and isolated beach untouched by tourism, and his time there, in its small, international community of backpackers.

 In a cheap hotel , Richard, a young English traveller, meets a strange Scotsman going by the pseudonym of Daffy Duck who leaves him a hand-drawn map of a supposed hidden beach located in the Gulf of Thailand that is inaccessible to tourists. After receiving the map, Richard discovers that Daffy has committed suicide. Together with a young and a beautiful French couple, Étienne and Françoise, the trio sets out to find what they believe must be paradise on earth.

  1. Art Spiegelman – Mausmaus

If you’re a fan of graphic novels you will love this. Maus portrays Spiegelman interviewing his father about his experiences as a Polish Jew and Holocaust survivor. The book uses striking techniques in its representation of races of humans as different kinds of animals: Jews as mice, Germans as cats, and non-Jewish Poles as pigs.

Critics have classified Maus as a memoir, biography, history, fiction, autobiography, or a mix of genres. In 1992 it became the first graphic novel to win a Pulitzer Prize.

  1. John Green – The Fault in Our Stars

the fault in our starsI fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once.”

Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at the Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel’s story is about to be completely rewritten.

Insightful, bold, irreverent, and raw, The Fault in Our Stars is award-winning author John Green’s most ambitious and heartbreaking work yet, brilliantly exploring the funny, thrilling, and tragic business of being alive and in love.

  1. Paulo Coelho – Eleven Minuteseleven minutes

Based on the experiences of a young Brazilian prostitute called Maria, whose first innocent brushes with love leave her heartbroken. At a young age, she becomes convinced that she will never find true love, instead believing that “love is a terrible thing that will make you suffer….”. When a chance meeting in Rio takes her to Geneva, she dreams of finding fame and fortune yet ends up working as a prostitute.

As Maria drifts further away from love, she develops a fascination with sex. But when she meets a handsome young painter, she finds she must choose between pursuing a dark path of sexual pleasure for its own sake, or risking everything for the possibility of sacred sex; sex in the context of love.

  1. Paulo Coelho – The Zahir

The Zahir means ‘thZahire obvious’ or ‘conspicuous’ in Arabic. The story revolves around the life of the narrator, a bestselling novelist, and in particular his search for his missing wife, Esther. He enjoys all the privileges that money and celebrity bring. He is suspected of foul play by both the police and the press, who suspect that he may have had a role in the inexplicable disappearance of his wife from their Paris home.

  1. Diane Samuels – Kindertransportkindertransport

A modern classic about one woman’s struggle to come to terms with her past. Brutally separated from her German Jewish parents and brought to England with the promise of a new life, nine-year-old Eva ends up in Manchester. When Eva’s parents fail to escape Germany, the child changes her name and begins the process of denial of her roots. It is only when her own daughter discovers some letters in their attic that Eva is forced to confront the truth about the past.

  1. Stephen King – On Writing

on writingPart memoir, part master class by one of the bestselling authors of all time, this superb volume is a revealing and practical view of the writer’s craft, comprising the basic tools of the trade every writer must have. King’s advice is grounded in the vivid memories from childhood through his emergence as a writer, from his struggling early career to his widely reported, near-fatal accident in 1999 – and how the inextricable link between writing and living spurred his recovery.

There is a reason why Stephen King is one of the bestselling writers in the world, ever. Described in the Guardian as ‘the most remarkable storyteller in modern American literature’, Stephen King writes books that draw you in and are impossible to put down.

  1. Lizzie Enfield – What you don’t knowwhat you don't know

You’ve been together for fifteen years. You’ve got two gorgeous kids and a great career. All the boxes are ticked. You wouldn’t be tempted by a plain, slightly balding man called Graham… Would you?

When Graham Parks walks into Helen Collins’ life, the last thing she expects is to fall for him.

He’s nothing like her handsome, successful husband, Alex.

But fifteen years is a long time and Helen can’t help wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone else. Has Alex secretly been thinking the same thing? As harmless flirtation develops into something far more complicated, Helen’s perfect world begins to look shaky.

  1. Sophie Kinsella – Can you keep a secret?

Emma is sitting on a turbulent plane. She’s always beencan you keep a secret a nervous flyer. She really thinks that this could be her last moment. So, naturally enough, she starts telling the man sitting next to her – quite a dishy American, but she’s too frightened to notice –  all her innermost secrets. How she scans the backs of intellectual books and pretends she’s read them. How she does her hair up like Princess Leia in her bedroom. How she’s not sure if she has a G-spot, and whether her boyfriend could find it anyway. How she feels like a fraud at work – everyone uses the word ‘operational’ all the time, but she hasn’t a clue what it means. How the coffee at work is horrible. How she once threw a troublesome client file in the bin. If ever there was a bare soul, it’s hers.

She survives the flight, of course, and the next morning the famous founding boss of the whole mega corporation she works for is coming for a look at the UK branch. As he walks around, Emma looks up and realizes…

It’s the man from the plane.

What will he do with her secrets? He knows them all – but she doesn’t know a single one of his. Or… does she?


It’s a weird combination, I know. I just thought I’d share my favourite books with you 🙂 If you’d like me to add more titles I enjoy reading let me know 🙂

Happy Blogging 🙂

Wednesday Dream Day

The Biggest Dream of All

When I was a fifteen year old lost-in-the-teenage-hormones girl I wrote a ‘book’. Struggling after the first big break-up with my first (as it seemed) huge crush on a boy four years older than me. At the time when we were dating I was fourteen and it looked as if I was trying my strengths for being a ‘difficult’ teenager. The boyfriend, let’s call him P, helped me realize I’m not like that at all. I enjoyed watching TV in my little room while doing my homework, reading tons of books in the evenings and meeting my friends in between being a daughter of the year.

After our roads split apart, I couldn’t stand being anywhere near P’s friends. Unluckily, my best friends were hanging out with them all the time since we got together. Every time I went to see them, I secretly begged the skies that P would be there so we could talk and maybe get back together. I only saw him from afar a couple of times but this only made me dig in needles into my heart over and over again as if life couldn’t exist anymore and nobody could live anymore, because I was hurt so everyone else had to disappear with my pain.

Soon I stopped going out to spare myself the pain of seeing P or hearing anyone talk about him. I regularly met my best girlfriends at school and even then the stories from the night before kept me going crazy. I had to stop it all if I didn’t want to go crazy! And then the best idea came to my mind… I decided to write a book. As if there weren’t enough books about broken hearts of teens, but I believed my book was unique.

The protagonist named Victoria started hearing a voice, a really bad voice. After multiple trips to the hospital, she got sent to a psychiatric hospital where she made friends with some other girls and a boy. Victoria’s voice in her head also created dreams in her head, particularly a dream about a boy with a tattoo of a gold-web and a spider climbing on his hand got her attention. After making friends with Gregory she notices his tattoo. Yeah, I was cheesy enough to give him the golden spider-web tattoo. You can probably guess what happens next right? Gregory’s brother is actually Victoria’s ex; they have to solve their problems before it’s too late.

Ok, I know it’s kind of really crap, but I’m still proud of myself that I managed to write a novel length story at the age of 14/15! Since then and since my free-verse poem notebooks took most of the space in my room, I started dreaming of being a writer. Not any kind of writer, but the best-selling writer!

I’ve been going after my dreams for a while now, I even got a degree in Creative Writing and English literature… But unless I actually manage to finish a freaking book I can’t do anything. For the past three years I had about 5 different projects for a book. I believe the idea I have right now is quite good, but I guess I have to put the research aside for a while and actually start writing…

What’s your dreams? Did any of you had a dream that seemed like you absolutely have to go after it or otherwise you’d die? I feel like that! 😛 I truly think that this is the biggest dream of my life (put aside all the childhood dreams of being a princess one week and another being a cleaner – more on that next time).

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award Nominations

inr2

First of all I would like to thank Life of Mon❤ for The nomination. Check out her blog, it’s amazing!

The rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for the award
  • Add the logo to your post
  • Nominate ten bloggers you admire and inform them of the nomination

My nominees for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award;

  1. Redhead Reflections
  2. Asura
  3. The Parrot on the Power lines
  4. Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss
  5. TWO FEET GLOBE
  6. Light Words
  7. Avoiding Neverland

PS. I have three more to fill in, as soon as I have an idea I’ll add! 🙂

Happy blogging 🙂